How To Get the Girl

by on

Stop it.

Don’t you dare message her on Facebook.

I know, you already “liked” her most recent profile picture.

And you “favorited” her tweet last night that was some quote by F. Scott Fitzgerald.

Maybe you even got a little freaky and retweeted it.

Wait, did you swipe right on her tinder pic?

Well then she has to know you’re interested by now, right?

This is considered flirting nowadays.

But what if, hear me out, what if..

You just went up and asked her out on a date.

To dinner.

In person.

*earth shatters*

We live in a world where confrontation is our absolute last resort and instead of a guy walking up to a young lady and asking,

“Hi there, I noticed you from across the room and I was wondering if you’d like to get coffee with me some time?”

They send messages saying,

“U got kik?”

Stop it.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I know why confrontation is mortifying.

What if she says no?

What if she thinks you’re a creep?

It’s absolutely terrifying putting yourself out there and making the first move. Especially when you’re not behind a computer screen.

But I’m going to let you in on a little secret….

Girls want you to ask them out.

We want to be sitting alone in a coffee shop when you walk up to our table and tell us we look nice that day.

Because if we’re being honest we spent 30 minutes deciding if our hair looked okay up in a ponytail.

We want to be walking to math class when you stop us and ask, “Hey, would you like to get dinner with me next week?”

We actually fantasize about it all the time.

We don’t fantasize about getting random Facebook messages saying, “U hav a gr8 body wud u wanna hang sum time?”

No.

No I would not.

I get it, guys.

Being vulnerable was never a walk in the park.

But if we really think about it… what’s the worst that could happen?

She could say no.

….and that’s about it.

She’s not going to laugh hysterically in your face and tell everyone at your school that you’re a pathetic sicko until your life becomes a black hole filled with despair and tragedy.

Unless she’s a character from the movie “Mean Girls.”

Then run.

People used to go on dates

Or that’s what someone told me once.

I don’t know if I believe them.

Because dating today is nonexistent. We don’t dress up in nice clothes and take each other to fancy dinners. We don’t take walks around the park or buy each other ice cream cones before going to see that awesome new movie that just came out. We don’t make commitments. And we only make promises just to see how burned the other person will be once they break.

We don’t date.

Instead we go to each others’ houses and watch Netflix until someone makes the first move. We have dozens of almost relationships that we label as “things.”

People don’t commit anymore.

And then they randomly stop talking to you one day and you’re sitting there like an idiot thinking “What on earth did I do wrong?”

But they never promised they would stay.

And you didn’t either.

We walk away from each other because we never care enough to actually stay.

And then we bump into someone else who just got out of an “almost relationship”

And we do it all over again.

Just because we can.

Messed up, isn’t it?

Well we can change it.

By being brave and putting ourselves out there.

So how do you get the girl properly?

You ask her on a real date.

You tell her she looks really pretty in that blue dress.

You take her to a fancy dinner.

You respect her boundaries and don’t try to kiss her on the first date.

You ask her out again.

You buy her lavender ice cream.

You hold her hand down sidewalks.

And you only kiss her when you’re both comfortable with it.

That’s all there is to it.

And that, my friend is how you get the girl.

 

Facebook – Becca Tremmel

Instagram – @littlelionbecca

Twitter – @beccatremmel

 

P.S. a girl can absolutely ask a guy out on a date properly, too. And guys can ask guys. And girls can ask girls. So go out and catch yourself a bae.

 

 

 

94 Comments

  1. So I have been talking to this girl i met on this dating site. She has two kids that does not bother me at all. We talk to each other about every day when we have time since she has two kids and works full time then I work full time and go to school part time. I really like her and just don’t know what to do because I wanna take it slowly and not screw up. We been talking for about 6 months. Yes of course she asked me if I had a kik and thats what we use and sometimes snapchat.

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  5. Pingback: How To Get the Girl | Life of a Southern Princess

  6. While it is AWESOME to have somone ask you out in person, sometimes a message is ok. However, if it includes “Ur,” “Sup,” or more than one word that is not a word (e.g. “totes,” “bae,” “GR8,” or “Irregardless,” , I will definitely say no.

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  8. Social media gives shy people a chance to be happy and I’m all for it. Some women do not want to be approached in public and sometimes you actually have a better chance approaching them online.

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  9. In our house, the first step is to call Mr. Holt and ask his permission to ask one of our daughters out. If you get past him, and the girl agrees, you come to the house to pick her up. She’s worth it, you know. And our respect for you increases because you are willing to treat her with respect.

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  11. Hi, I just want to say that I hope that Becca is not trying to say that ‘social media is evil for everyone’ because it is not.

    I wholeheartedly agree that there are too many men that love objectifying women and feel that they can ‘own them’. Listen up, you do NOT ‘own’ women, never have, never will, ever.

    However to say that finding a girl on social media in general is evil and immoral is just plain stupid. I personally like to find someone who has the same interests as me, whether it be music or linguistics, this way we have stuff in common. Nothing wrong with that.

    Social media does not make one objectify women, doing so only attributes to chosen words as well as actions.

    With that being said, Becca and you guys are totally right about respecting girls. Respect is #1.

    Forgive me for sounding unnecessarily overwhelming but I am just trying to be realistic here.

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  12. Just curious, do any of you have anything against looking for someone online?

    I mean, I think it is kind of silly to recommend to not to look for anyone on social media bc for instance, what if you want to find someone that has the same interests as you?

    Social media is not evil and to say otherwise in a generalizing way is stupid. Everyone has different social media experiences. If you don’t like social media, that is cool, but that does not mean that it is ‘evil’ for everyone.

    This has nothing to do with disrespecting a girl. Everyone is different.

    With that being said I wholeheartedly agree with not treating girls like objects. You do not “own” her, at all, never.

    Jay, you seem to need to do some thinking and reflecting. If the girl does not want to go out with you, leave her alone and do not be relentless. It will only piss her off more.

    I personally like finding someone online, this way I know that I can find someone with the same interests as me, whether it be languages and/or music.

    Again, this has nothing to do with disrespecting a girl or objectifying her. You can only objectify a girl with the words you choose as well as your actions towards her. Ofc there are too may people that love objectifying females and it is wrong and plain idiotic, but I just hope that Becca is not claiming social media and is trying to say that it is evil for everyone.

    Forgive me for coming across as uneccesarilly overwhelming, but I am just trying to be realistic here.

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  13. I had a big crush on a guy. Then I finally mustered up some courage to ask him to go for coffee. It was a wonderful feeling pushing such fears aside and realizing that being turned down is not the end of the world.
    We hang in the same social group so seeing him all the time makes me feel awkward…but I just smile to myself knowing that fear didn’t win. And I got over the crush knowing that he wasn’t interested in me. 🙂
    My friends thnk I’m super brave though now…

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  15. I have the Biggest crush on someone in my class, she is really pretty and gorgeous. But I’m not that to bad of a looking guy but I know I won’t get with her and I’m kinda awkward around her. How do I overcome this huge crush that I have so I don’t have this crush on her and just get over with it.Like I constantly keep thinking about her and it gets really annoying. P.S this is like trying to get opposite advice for asking a girl out. Hope you understand.

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    1. Ask her out asap so you know where you stand. The worst thing you can do is live in a fantasy. If she says no thanks or some other wishy washy other than yes, you know you would just be wasting your time and you would be pointlessly causing yourself to suffer.

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  16. One thing that kills me is I hear girls all the time tell their “worst date stories” or how this one guy was such a creep. Sometimes they describe things I’ve done or tried I thought were regular ways to ask them out. It makes me pretty petrified to ask them out. Then also they tell me I’m not bothering them and to ask later but they are always “busy.” #ForeverConfused

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    1. Bae Bae Bae Bae Bae Bae Bae Bae Bae Bae Bae Bae Bae Bae Bae Bae Bae Bae Bae Bae Bae Bae Bae Bae Bae Bae Bae Bae Bae Bae Bae Bae Bae Bae Bae Bae Bae Bae Bae Bae Bae Bae Bae Bae Bae Bae Bae Bae Bae Bae Bae Bae Bae Bae Bae Bae Bae Bae Bae Bae Bae Bae Bae Bae Bae Bae Bae Bae Bae Bae Bae Bae Bae Bae Bae Bae Bae Bae Bae Bae Bae Bae Bae Bae Bae

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  18. Doesn’t anyone object to Jay’s language? Maybe I didn’t scroll down far enough, or does everyone just accept the f word today? He was thoroughly obnoxious and so was his language. If you don’t hear that word coming out of someone else’s mouth, that’s a sure indication they don’t want to hear it, either. Show some respect.

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    1. People who talk more authentic, are more authentic. Politically correct people are usually people surrounded by secrets, drama, lies and are always trying to please everyone. You’ll never be happy living this way.

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  20. Amazing read!
    I loved the way you simplified it all to the bare minimum. And I testify to it as well
    YES – Girls like it when cute and genuine guys ask them out.
    Chivalry isn’t dead; never will be. 🙂

    And if you ain’t that good-looking a guy – don’t worry,
    Looks attract a lot of women
    Being yourself attracts the right ones

    Peace
    The Copper Chick

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  24. When a guy gets blown off by a girl he asks out, many of you respond with “just keep trying, the right one is out there, she doesn’t deserve you anyway”, etc. How about for the thousands and thousands of guys who are like I was, the guy that it took three weeks and every last ounce of nerve and confidence to ignore the panic and fear to ask the question, only to be shot down, insulted, or worse dismissed as if unworthy of occupying the same space as her? We can’t “just keep trying”. It doesn’t work that way. It would be nice to follow the author’s advice, it really would. But for a large number of guys, being told “no” over a text or a PM is about 1000 times easier to take than even the nicest “no” in person.

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    1. Grow a set dude. That’s life. The most successful sports men have about 60-66% success rate. 2nd think of it this way, you’re a BMW she wanted a Mercedes. Big deal right? Just different tastes, fuck it, move on. 3rd it’s very normal to be attracted to someone, your job as a guy is to put your balls on the line. 4th, all the girls will respect you more when you approach them physically, plus you gave them a compliment by approaching them

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      1. Words have meaning, sir. Your language makes the wrong impression. Clean it up or get out of the game – this is not how to earn respect., bae. 😉

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    1. If your only connection with them is online, why not ask to meet them somewhere? It’s hard to date an object on a screen…

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  28. In my experience to the contrary many girls seem to shun proper dates. I’m a big fan of doing this and always have, and you don’t know how many times they want the d-bag Netflix and chill. Really it’s a lose lose for guys today because it’s never good enough.

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    1. Girls only like “netflix and chill,” or even think of it as an option, because men have convinced them that they aren’t worth anything, and this kind of treatment is the best they deserve. Treating them like that has taught many girls that the only way they can buy love is by selling their bodies. If men treated girls more like human beings with souls and personalities, and less like cheap meat, then perhaps they will be more ready to go out with men who will really respect them.

      As a girl, I’d like to say that I really appreciate your efforts, Luke. You treat girls the way they deserve to be treated. Bravo. I wish there were more men like you, to show all the girls out there that their bodies aren’t the only valuable things about them.

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  29. You “get” the girl by treating her like a real, independent woman in her own right – NOT by treating her like a prize to be won! Hey, how about THAT concept? You could also be a real man and not be threatened by a woman asking you out. Seriously guys, it’s not all about you. Stop trying to be the aggressor all the damn time. To women like me that’s a turn off.

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  30. I recently whet from weighing 300 lbs to 200lbs. I wasn’t accustomed to asking out girls in the first place let alone asking girls in the way you suggested. I do have to say that when I asked out a girl in the proper way for the first time I was on a high for the next three day’s straight. Hard work has major payouts! Thanks for the post. I loved it:)

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  31. A lot of communication these days involve text messaging. This article recommends no Facebook messaging and more asking a person out on a date in person.Does text messaging fall into that category as well? Sometimes the only way to see your crush is setting up a time/place to meet through text.

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    1. If you want to ask a girl out, do it in person; this way, you show her that you are strong and, more importantly, that you respect her and value her enough to make the special effort. BUT, if it’s easier, you can do the planning stuff over texts. Texts will make it easier, and once you’ve made the first jump – asking her – the rest doesn’t really matter so much.

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    2. Asking out in person is the best way. Get their number, after chatting for a bit and then go back to your friends or what you were doing and say it was nice meeting them. Then you can text them when do they have free time to get together. They’ll respond with a day or time when they’re free and then you just confirm a place and time then mention that you’re looking forward or something like that and get off the phone. No confirming or any of that stuff, you wouldn’t confirm again with a friend if you made plans to meet up right? and if that friend ditched you then you would not contact them again probably. Basically, with all of this media stuff and text, it’s best when it’s used JUST to make plans of seeing each other but leave the actual interaction between each other, physical.

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    3. Dude, if you have her number, then call her! Fb message and texting are just about the most impersonal forms of communication that exist.

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  36. You would be stunned at how many men are TERRIFIED of Women…Still very very interested in them, but so afraid of failure, of being seen as a creep, of saying the wrong thing, of finding out that girl they thought was interested really wants to be “just friends” that they get utter paralyzed. For the longest time, fear of getting it wrong made me scared to even talk to a girl, much less go on a date with them. I was super, super cautious and would court her for, literally months before even thinking of asking such a thing.

    Time, and an amazing Wife who blesses me with her presence every day has taught me that a little confidence can go a long, long way. To all you guys out there: Women aren’t radioactive, they’re fallible people, just like you! And you’re gonna screw up from time to time, but the only way to get good at talking to girls is to do it at all! And if you’re still not sure of a cue or a signal, or something just feels off, ASK the girl! “Would you like to go get some coffee?” “Do you want to explore this beyond just a friendship?” “Am I making you uncomfortable, because that’s not my intention and if so, I will stop whatever is causing that discomfort.” Just have the stones to talk to her like a human being and don’t be afraid to fail. I had many relationships that ultimately ended rockier than I would have liked, but eventually it led me to being the kind of guy who was able to woo an amazing Wife of over 6 years now, with 4 years of dating before. It didn’t happen overnight. It happened through practice, and through just trusting myself a little.

    Have the confidence to stop over-thinking it and just TALK to the girl, politely. The worst she can say is “no, thank you”, but you’ll never know if you don’t ask the gal out in the first place!

    PS. And Yes, the Woman can totally initiate any of this as well, or the guy to guy, girl to girl, etc. My Wife was in fact the one who proposed to Me. Best “Yes” I ever said in my life.

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  37. I mean I like a lot of this. We don’t date anymore. We do have “things” with people.

    However, not trying to kiss a girl on the first date is stupid. If you’re both feeling it, why not? If you’re both feeling it, you can even have *GASP* sex on the first date too. Who care what two consenting adults do together. The trick is to be emotionally available, both the guy and the girl. Stop conflating promiscuity and sex with the problems of modern dating, which stem from excessive choice, technological isolation, and fear.

    That kind of advice makes a guy seem passive and uninteresting. An interesting guy builds tension and sweeps a girl with a spontaneous passionate kiss when they’re both feeling it, not meekly waits until some prescribed time before he’s “allowed” to kiss or have sex with a girl.

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    1. It’s not so much about being “allowed” as it is about the message you’re sending. If your first date is all about sex, then the girl is left wondering – is sex the only thing he wanted? But by waiting a little while, and establishing a firm relationship without the sex, then you’re telling the girl something very different, and very precious. You’re telling her that you respect her and value her for more than just her body or the sex experience – you appreciate her for who she is.

      Not that I’m against a kiss on the first date; these are just thoughts to think on.

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      1. It’s a legitimate question. You’re the kind of girl who clearly makes fun of guys for even asking them out!!! Sheesh!

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    2. However long it takes you to think “I’d like to take her out on a date.” If that’s after one, two, five times of being around her, that’s okay. Going on a date doesn’t mean you’re 100% committed to spend forever with her just that you’re 100% committed to get to know her because there’s some initial interest. And be open to her about it. “I’d love to get to know you better because you seem like an amazing woman. Can I take you to dinner on (insert specific date)?”
      If they reject, that’s their choice, but if they accept, they’ll respect a guy who was confident to be bold and ask and the woman thought “I can give him a chance.” Or “Yes! Someone I might be interested in actually asked me on a date instead of wanting to ‘chill’ to get to know me.”

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      1. On the contrary, waiting doesn’t make you any less attractive. It doesn’t matter to us whether you ask us out right away, or wait a little while, as long as you are respectful and treat us well. So what, if he asks next week instead of this week? And if you have a good personality, asking later may make you MORE attractive, because then we’ll know that you’re a decent person who we can trust and who we would like to get to know better.

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      2. I strongly disagree, but I do agree that no guy should scare a women and should always make her feel safe and comfortable.
        I’m sure the guys you’ve been head over heels in love with, how did they behave? I’m sure they didn’t wait weeks and months to ask you out when you could clearly tell they were interested. Humans and masculine/feminine energy responds to what it does naturally, there is no way around it. The sad thing is, that girls have much more perception of what is going on regarding body language, voice tone etc, where as us guys are like dogs and have to have everything step by step 😀 we’re awesome and simple like that.

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    4. As a girl i can tell you I am a lot more comfortable going on a date with a guy who I have met and talked to a few times. If one of those times includes long chats about serious stuff, or lots of big laughs, all the better!

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  41. Pingback: How To Get the Girl | Love, Loss and Chaos

    1. While most people aren’t Hollywood-good-looking, I believe anyone can be good-looking. You’re not going to be attractive to everyone, but if you put in the effort to be well-groomed and you choose to be happy and personable, you’ll be attractive to someone. Happiness is the most attractive thing to me.

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  46. Thank you Becca, this made my morning! And to all the guys who did ask, I’m sorry I was so mean. Looking back now I wish I would’ve tried putting myself in their shoes first and then answered. I really wish I’d read Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People when I was in my teems!! If there is any one secret of success,’ said Henry Ford, ‘it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own.

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  47. I’ve heard soooooo many girls say that they HATE when guys come up and compliment them! I’ve done it before and the girls thought I was hitting on them… far from it! I just really liked their hair or outfit or whatever. Honestly, it’s a no-win situation at times. But, I still believe that this article is so true on so many levels!

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  49. I really wish I could ask a girl out this way, but it never works. She either shrougs me off and ignores me, or calls me a loser and laughs at me. I’ve always wondered why girls do that. Isn’t it embarrassing enough that you’re being rejected, why do they feel the need to be so mean about it? Can’t they just say no thank you and be done with it?

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    1. Don’t let them get you down, keep up the positive and confidence you have and you will find the one who is hoping some one will notice them (but know one said it would be easy). I also agree that girls could also be the one to ask a guy out or just compliment them.

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    2. As part of a mentor’s challenge after moving back into my hometown and due to my confidence issues, I have gone on a date at least once every week for five months now, most with different girls. It seemed daunting at first, to ask the girl out in person rather than over fb Messenger, but I found that the easiest way for the girl to genuinely express her interest (or non-interest) in you is in person. Rejection is part of the game, so I also realized that it takes some being confident and smooth to get the girl to say yes. Just keep practicing! Good luck!

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    3. Maybe you’re asking the wrong type of girl. The one that makes quick judgements and has a false sense of superiority so much so that she finds she needs to insult you. When a girl does that to you, be happy you realized she was definitely not a good person and not the woman you really ever want to spend time with. It’s not you, it her. So, please, don’t be discouraged because youre asking the wrong women. Find respectable, respecting, and self assured ones who don’t feel the need to hit you when you’re down to raise themselves. Look for kindheartedness and compassion and you will not find women who shut you down rudely and insensitively.

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    4. The truth is that a lot of girls just don’t care. If they aren’t interested, that’s all that matters; they brush you off and don’t pay much attention to how the come about doing so.
      Don’t let the mean ones keep you from the nice ones. Don’t lose hope, either. Your princess is out there waiting for you, just as you’re waiting for her. 🙂

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      1. People chill out on Jay. He clearly wanted a reaction and you’re giving it to him! He’s only writing that because he can do it from behind a computer screen with no feast of repercussion. On another tip though, because of the social media age, approaching a girl like that doesn’t work as easily as suggested because THEY don’t know how to handle the confrontation of a guy asking them out face to face. We’ve trained this generation to interact through technology therefore making it harder for them to understand how to interact face to face. It’s unfortunately the sign of the times. Until social media takes a back seat or regresses, this will be the future of dating 😕

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    5. Keep asking. Be relentless. Ask more. Have no fucks to give. Go somewhere else. Ask again. And again. When you find her pound her like your d is a sledge hammer. Then chill. Only fools rush in. Ignore her for 2 says. Then you own her.

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      1. No, you do not own her. You will never own her and should never expect to own her. You should respect her, and she will respect you back.
        Don’t ignore her, don’t make her wait and wonder if you like hector not. And don’t listen to Jay. He’s a bad example.

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      2. This is a prime example of why girls don’t accept dates in the first place. There’s always a chance that the guy will turn out to be a moron and absolute jerk like Jay.

        I am a girl, and I’ll tell you now: We don’t want someone who likes us just for the sex. We don’t want someone who expects, or even wants, to own us. We don’t want someone who ignores us or makes us question.

        And maybe, yeah, we might go on that first date… maybe even a second, if we are desperate. But it’s no way to start a relationship if you want it to last.

        What Jay just told you was every way NOT to respect someone. Would you respect or appreciate anyone – even just a guy friend of yours – who did things like this to you? Probably not. So why do you think it’s a good idea to do them to girls?

        Respect us. Don’t try to own us; we’re people, not meat. Don’t rush us into sex, but spend some time getting to know us first. By doing that, you’ll show us that you care about US, not just the bodies we live in. Don’t make us question; be dependable, someone we can count on. And whatever you do…. Don’t listen to Jay.

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    6. As a girl, I totally get it. There are those stupid people who don’t know how to be civil. But then I try to remind people to think about this… If that’s the kind of response you get from that person, would you really want to date them if they had said yes? People who don’t respect other people when they put themselves out there and try to do something good, are not the kind of people I would want to date.

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    7. What I believe is that, if a girl treats you like that, she just doesn’t deserve you. I don’t really think that that’s the kind of person that you were specting while you were deciding to ask her out, so lucky you she said no! Now you can find one that respect you and treat you as you deserve being treated.

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    8. The girls you are asking are horrible and clearly too immature to know what value and respect is. You will meet a nice young woman that appreciates a true gentleman. Just keep being great!

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    9. That’s the thing though, girls will do that, women won’t. Women will respect you more if you walk up to them and lay it out on the table that you find something about them attractive (physical or character based), and that you want to take them dinner and/or a movie to get to know them. Keep your intentions honest with a women from day 1.

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      1. Yes. Absolutely. It goes both ways.Ladies should be honest from the get go too. I definitely respect any man brave enough to approach me in person. And even if I don’t have a romantic interest in them, I’m always more than happy to talk with them.
        However, if a guys asks me out and I don’t have an interest, I don’t like leading them on by saying yes. But if I do say yes, I just make it clear that it’s not a date and I insist on paying my own way so they don’t feel used.

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    10. Well if she does that then you should be glad. You dont need someone like that in your life. You should feel sorry for the person who she ends up with. Her loss.

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    11. I have the same problem man. Happened a lot to me last year. There will be a girl eventually who is all over it, just keep going. I met a couple girls recently who both were more than willing to go out with me. Just take your time, be bold and confident and you’ll figure it out.

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