I’ve never been one to speak openly about my Christian faith.
I’ve always been terrified of judgment and ridicule.
I’m scared of people reading what I have to say only to point out my past sins while exclaiming, “Yeah, you must be a VERY dedicated Christian.”
The truth is,
I am flawed.
I have a terrible potty mouth.
I’ve gossiped about people who I don’t know personally.
I’ve gossiped about people who I know extremely well.
I’ve even keyed someone’s car before.
I am completely flawed and I surely don’t consider myself “role model” material.
But I do know a little bit about suffering and how it’s ultimately brought me closer to God.
These past six months have kicked my ass.
(Excuse the language. We went over this. Flawed)
I was positive that I wasn’t going to graduate college due to my every present procrastination and lack of motivation all last semester,
I lost my sweet kitten days after my graduation,
I almost lost my own life in December due to a serious infection that left me in a hospital bed and incapable of breathing on my own for weeks,
A very important relationship in my life came to a screeching halt,
Many of my close friends have packed up and left for the summer or for good,
I’ve showed my music to some noteworthy figures in the music business and most of the reviews were very discouraging. One even used the words “bland” and “uninteresting,”
And finally, some of my past mistakes have come back stronger than ever to haunt my present.
Like I said, I’ve been a mess.
But I’m not here to complain.
Because I’m aware that I’ve lived an extremely comfortable life in comparison to many other people in this world.
And I try to thank God every single day for the little blessings He’s put in my path over the past 22 years.
I am unbelievably lucky.
However, I believe it is very easy to lose sight of all you have to be thankful for when you’re sitting in bed at 3am bawling your eyes out over your current suffering.
In the past, I’ve turned to some unhealthy coping mechanisms to deal with my suffering.
My sophomore year of college I abused prescription drugs just to cope with the crippling depression I used to suffer from.
I used to root my self confidence in guys and how they treated me. I found self validation in whoever I was currently dating at the time.
I would try many strategies out before finally turning to God.
Whenever I found myself curled up on the floor crying myself deeper into this endless pit of suffering, I’d call someone.
I’d distract myself.
And I’ve been very blessed to have people in my life who have answered those desperate phone calls.
I did everything I could possibly think of before finally admitting defeat and turning to God for help and wisdom.
And every time I did, He saved me.
In the past six months, I have been given every reason imaginable to turn towards unhealthy coping mechanisms.
But I’ve done my absolute best to straighten my aim and walk on the clear path with God even when I had temptation calling out to me trying to coax me back into the woods.
It sometimes feels impossible.
Suffering is something that every single person in life will have to go through. If you’ve never suffered before and your life has been just butterflies and butterscotch popsicles, just you wait. It’s comin’ for ya.
We will all have hardships and we will all be brought to our knees at some point where we are faced with a decision,
Will we remain on the floor?
Will we turn to a terrible habit that will leave us further in the dark?
Or will we bring our pain to God and ask Him for help and wisdom?
It’s much harder than one would think.
It’s not easy to give up everything and do what God asks you to do in order to fulfill His plan.
And many people have asked me or brought up a question that I’ve thought a lot about recently,
“Why does suffering exist? If God is so good, then why does He allow us to suffer?”
And here is the answer (definitely still underdeveloped and definitely one that will not satisfy everyone) that I’ve come up with,
Although suffering is miserable and even horrifying sometimes, we would all be very weak and close minded individuals if no one had ever been through something worth suffering over.
Suffering is absolutely necessary. It is all a part of the human experience. As human beings, we have free will.
I can gossip and say hurtful things about someone that could leave them crying on their floor.
I don’t believe I’m walking with God when I make that decision.
However, even when we do end up in a pit of suffering I believe God can make something absolutely beautiful out of it.
I have never felt more connected to a human being than when we have bonded through a suffering experience.
There is no greater tool when fostering genuine human connection and love than suffering.
When large-scale tragedies occur and we’re all left hopeless, we do not walk away and leave the suffering to feel unloved or unworthy.
Most people come together and express their love towards people who they may not even know personally.
I think that is so beautiful.
And I know I am young, flawed, and I have the rest of my life to think about the answer to that question, but that’s what I got so far.
So if you’re suffering right now, just know that I love you and I’m rooting for you 100% and God is, too.
facebook – Becca Tremmel
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