What if I’d Rather be Broken?

I’ve felt very misunderstood for most of my life.

It might have sparked from the belief that I am innately different.

Emotions overcome me and I feel as though I’m drowning in whatever feeling I happen to be immersed in that day.

People have often told me that we can “control” our emotions and how we react to certain situations, but I have never found that to be true.

For example,

I was once in a relationship and the person cheated on me.

The second I found out, my heart became an anchor that dropped through the floor.

My mind raced with anxious and terrible reasoning as to why this was happening to me.

My limbs became so heavy that I couldn’t move and began shaking.

I was drowning in sadness.


It consumes me entirely when it washes over my life.

There’s very little time to process during the crashing waves of sadness, but when the ocean stills itself and I’m floating there, broken but alive, I begin to process the storm that just happened.

And all that to say,

I kind of enjoy being sad.

I know that’s kind of messed up, but it’s true.

That’s where I feel most misunderstood.

I think sadness and suffering is truly beautiful.

It makes me a human being.

And it shows me just how durable my body is when it comes to feeling sad.

Or anything really.


Emotions completely fascinates me.

And I’ve always felt that I feel a bit more than others do.

My heart sinks a little bit lower than most.

My emotions pull me a bit farther into the dark trench in that ocean of sadness.

A lot farther than most dare to go.

But I always swim back up to the surface with new findings to write about and describe.

It also makes me capable of understanding other people because,

hey, I’ve been there.

I’ve bought property and lived comfortably there.

I like to understand other people and empathize with someone when they’re in pieces.

Because sometimes you just need someone to be in pieces with you.

I gladly volunteer to be that person.

I’m not sure if that makes disturbed or just compassionate.

I guess I’d be fine with either.


At the end of the day, I think sadness is beautiful.

When I’d enter new relationships, my worst fear was never having a broken heart ever again.

What if I never feel that deeply again?

I didn’t think I’d ever find someone who’d help me let go of that fear.

But I did,

And it’s magic.

I’ve felt a fair share of sadness for this life, and I’m sure I’ll feel a lot more before my time is up.

But now I don’t try to break myself and self sabotage relationships just to feel something.

I’m steady and put together.

I no longer enjoy being “broken.”

p.s. check out my band’s new song “Broken” which inspired this blog and my whole life tbh

Click here to listen to “Broken”!!

 

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