I’ve spent the better part of my life pulling people into my circle.
Because once I’ve decided that I love you and I need you to keep breathing, that’s truly it for me.
I have to do everything in my power to keep them from walking away from me or our friendship or our relationship.
I’ve always heard that it’s natural for friendships to wilt away and for people to keep moving down their own paths without each other.
“Some people are there for a reason, some people are there for a season.”
It’s that old cliché, right?
At least, that’s what I always thought.
It’s not hard to keep up with a friendship, right?
I spend the extra hours of my days calling, texting, writing and thinking about the people I love.
If I haven’t talked to a childhood friend for a few months, I’ll always call them out of the blue and ask how life is going.
One of my childhood friends told me once, “Bec, we were so close when we were young but as we grew older I was fully prepared for that friendship to wilt away but you… you just wouldn’t let it.”
No, I never let friendships “fade” for no reason whatsoever.
It always baffled me when people just say “I don’t know… we just don’t talk anymore.”
Why would you let that person you loved so much at one point just fade out of your life?
It was an insanely foreign concept to me up until this past year.
For me, there always has to be meaning in everything.
I spend years trying to find lessons in the trauma and experiences I’ve endured because if I don’t find the meaning or the “lesson,” how am I supposed to move on?
Was I just not good enough?
Did I not call them enough?
Was I not there when they needed me?
I ache over the absence of someone for years.
Until it finally clicks in my mind
“Oh… that’s why that happened.”
But it gets exhausting, you know?
Constantly throwing myself at people just desperate to keep them around.
If I never called them again, would they call me?
If I stopped sending them random memes one day, would they notice?
I never wanted to find out.
So I call.
I send gifts.
If there was a fight, I always apologize first.
Even if I wasn’t the one in the wrong.
But over the past year, I’ve learned a very important and brutal lesson,
I can’t make someone love me.
I can’t force someone to be my friend.
I can’t insert meaning into a situation when maybe, there’s no rhyme or reason.
If something’s not meant to be, then I can’t change that.
No matter how many times I call,
No matter how many times I pour my heart out in a letter,
No matter how many lessons I feel I missed out on.
I can’t make someone feel what they don’t.
It’s been a lonely season in life for me.
Because I’ve lost quite a few people over the last year.
And I’ve been attempting to force puzzle pieces together that just clearly don’t fit.
But through it all, I have learned a few things (still searching for lessons),
There are people out there who do truly love me just as much as I love them.
And people who do choose to be in my life just as much as I choose to be in theirs.
But the only person I need validation from is myself.
The only person who can fulfill all my needs and dim down my insecurities is myself.
People come and go.
Love fades when it’s not meant to be.
But that doesn’t mean that I’m unloveable.
That doesn’t mean there’s something fundamentally wrong with me.
It’s just the way the world seems to work.
I’ll continue pouring my heart out sure,
And reaching out to everyone I love and have loved,
And I’ll even continue rebuilding my half of any burned bridge,
But I’ll do it while being kind to myself.
I’ve been giving every ounce of my unconditional love to everyone I possibly can,
And I’ll continue to do so.
But now I’ll save just a little for myself as well.
– Becca Tremmel
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