well goddamn it has been a minute since I’ve typed out a blog.
I mean truly, what year is it?
Remember when I used to blog all of the time??
It used to be the absolute best way for me to cope and process all of the swirling chaos that was my life for so long.
But then blogging became *lame* and people started filming videos for the clock app instead.
No one really wants to read a blog anymore, right?
No one has any remnants of an attention span anymore… right???
No one cares about the torment that is my past love life anymore….. right!???!!?
I’m really hoping that you’ll prove me wrong.
Even though I just spent approximately 2.5 hours scrolling through the clock app.
No one is perfect OKAY.
On Friday, 7.29.22 I released a single called “Relapse.”
If you haven’t listened to it yet,
- are we even friends?
- it’s definitely got swirling chaos energy so
- if you ever enjoyed any of the blogs I wrote, you may potentially enjoy that song maybe
I wanted to write just a little something about the inspiration behind the song and all of the processing that continues to occur years after it was written,
in a swirling chaos kind of way.
I was in an on and off “relationship” for about 7 years.
That’s right, 7.
That’s right, “relationship”
It was more of a best friendship turned trauma bond,
a let’s-hang-out-for-15 hours-and-cancel-every-other-plan-we-had-for-the-week, type deal,
a life lesson disguised as a twin flame imprint, if you will.
(I’m assuming if you’ve read my blog then you’ve read twilight. the research is there I just haven’t gathered it)
I don’t think I could put it more plainly than that.
Over the course of those 7 years, I wrote songs.
Dozens of songs.
Hundreds of poems.
Thousands of drunken rants in my notes app.
I was a woman possessed.
And through all of those scraps of sentences and metaphors and letters to myself that began with the phrase, “BECCA, CALM THE HELL DOWN.”
(I’m not even joking)
I began to process bits and pieces of the swirling chaos that was this “situationship.”
I decided to downgrade it.
It was a very large pill to swallow once I realized I had dedicated some of the most enthusiastic, romantic, and optimistic years of my life to someone who didn’t care if I got hit by a bus.
Unless he could profit off of the pity somehow.
I gave this man my youth.
I know I’m still hot and young but damn.
My most well-crafted lyrics were dedicated to someone who once referred to me as a “quick fix” in his own writings.
So why was I so hellbent on the idea of us being together and fulfilling the prophecy of us being Johnny and June reincarnated?
I may have lost my marbles…slightly.
So how did I go from being hopelessly dedicated to a human potato,
to an independent lady who is finally capable of having a healthy, wonderful relationship?
I will share all of my secrets.
- I made a quick little timeline of my life, emphasizing the years that I became pathetic
I wrote down all of the times this man had upset me. Or really any time anybody had upset me in the past 7 years. I made notes about when we came back together, when forgiveness was gifted and boundaries immediately blurred. I pieced it all together until I had a general timeline of my life.
Then I saw an immediate cycle. It had always been there and I had always known we were in a rut, but actually seeing the cycle of how we’d be buds and then spending every second together and then he’d do something so incredibly horrible that I cut him out immediately and then months or weeks of space and writing, and then BAM I miss him. One of us reaches out and back down the rabbit hole we go.
I was doing the SAME thing over and over and over again. Hundreds of times from what I gathered, and not only with him. I had been living in this cycle with multiple people for YEARS. He was just the prominent one that uncovered the rest of my insanity. I immediately thought “I’ve been having the same conflict with the same characters over and over again for almost a decade.”
It’s almost like when you watch a comfort show or movie over and over again because you know exactly what’s going to happen and who’s going to betray who and how the ending always is. I had made these relationships my comfort show. I knew exactly what they would do to me each time we tried again, yet I allowed it because I felt comfortable in the outcome. I knew it wouldn’t kill me and I knew I’d forgive them again anyways. Why was I doing this? So my working theory is I had a massive fear of commitment and allowing myself to be loved the way I was truly worthy of it because of lack of self esteem or some shit like that? Idk I’m still in therapy.
2. When the moment came, I made a different choice.
So what happens in a cycle? The same shit over and over again. Exactly right. So how do you break out of something like that? One of you needs to make a different choice. So when you haven’t been speaking for three months and you REALLy miss them and you just watched a REALLY sad movie about lost lovers who were supposed to end up together but didn’t and you REALLY hate yourself because you’re stalking their instagram and who liked their recent post and so you send a quick text or like one of their photos to be coy, just don’t. I know that sounds impossible, but hear me out.
Love addiction is incredibly difficult, but also kind of predictable. I know that I won’t miss them forever. I know that withdrawals only last so long and then I’m on the up and up again. I know that as soon as I give in to a relapse (hehe) I will hate myself and it honestly doesn’t feel as good or satisfy my heart like I thought it would. Going back to the wrong person over and over again is disappointing. You’ve spent days, weeks, or months romanticizing their greatest hits. It’s almost as if anger and betrayal and broken hearts fade but love doesn’t. The good things don’t fade like the bad things do. So when you miss them and look back on this “shituationship” (I downgraded again) all you feel are warm, fuzzy and passionate feelings. All of that icky stuff has faded or simmered down. It only bubbles back up when you’re with them and it STILL sucks. It never feels quite as good as you think it’s going to when you’re back with them.
I still remember the moment that I made a different choice. I was home in bed. I hadn’t seen him in 6 months and I was in a different relationship. I missed being friends with him but I knew it would be impossible. The withdrawals started, but I didn’t give in. I held strong.
But then one night at 11pm.
He calls me.
I stared at my phone as it just buzzed in my hand.
I started thinking “Oh god he’s drunk in a ditch somewhere. He needs me. If I don’t go then he’ll die. He’s in a depressive state. If something bad happens then that’s on me. I should answer. I have to answer.”
But I continued to just stare at my phone.
I didn’t answer.
I didn’t text him the next day.
I just went on like nothing ever happened.
He later told me when we ran into each other that he basically WAS drunk in a ditch somewhere and needed me but I didn’t answer.
Did I almost throw up?
Was he my responsibility?
It is 100% possible to make a different choice when the cycle starts to pull you back in. It’s uncomfortable. It goes against every screaming fiber in your body, but that’s addiction baby. You have to re-wire your brain by breaking out of that cycle.
3. Love yourself just as you loved them
I wasn’t the biggest fan of myself for a long time. I didn’t care about what I put on my body or what I ate or my living space or how I spent my time. My entire existence was to please another person. Not cute !!!
After I broke the cycle, he came back up one or two more times. I will say, the cycle damn near pulled me in again but I stayed strong. Now it’s just second nature.
I spent a year and a half by myself. No dating, really.
I moved into a place by myself and furnished it with things that make me so happy.
I went for walks in my new neighborhood that happens to be my favorite part of town.
I started buying myself flowers for my dining room table
I took pottery classes and poetry classes and acting classes
I fell in love with painting
I worked on my music like a crazy person
My creative energy exploded into like 8 different channels
I made new friends
I went out by myself didn’t want to hide in a corner due to lack of self esteem.
I developed a skincare routine !!
I read the entire bible
I learned how to cook and bake
I learned how to take care of curly hair
I continued to write songs and poems and drunken notes in my phone to further process what had happened
I started releasing art inspired by him.
I started inspiring myself.
I figured out all the things that made me happy and all of the people who don’t deplete me of energy and love and I held onto them
The rest were given boundaries or nothing at all.
When you’re forced to spend time alone, you really figure out who you are.
It’s been a total game changer for me.
I know that those 7 years were not a waste of time, ultimately.
Do I wish I had made different decisions?
But I learned so much about myself and about love and it led me to where I am now,
A somewhat stable bitch with a terrifying work ethic and all the love I could possibly ask for.
Every person I’ve spoken to about this situation always responds with something like,
“Oh yeah I have one of those, an on off again will they won’t they from hell.”
So I thought I’d compile some of those tips that helped me (even though I have truly no idea what I’m talking about, I just have vast experience in this department) and also maybe promote my song and also write a blog because I miss it.
Thanks for reading this far and for listening to the song! Here it is,
I’m going to continue drinking my 3rd cup of coffee today and not texting anybody toxic,
I can indeed quit whenever I want.