You want to remain invisible.

Don’t you?

I know the demons you’ve walked with for so long have become so normal.

Like they’ve always truly been there.

That’s something I understand completely.

I can’t remember a day on this earth before I had demons.

They sit with me.

They go to work with me.

They sleep in my bed.

They watch me sing.

And write songs.

They come to me in dark dreams.

And worst of all, when I’m having an intimate moment with someone I love.

They never leave.

I’m not sure if they ever will.


But the danger of walking around with your demons so often is they can be normalized.

Demons are not normal, sweet one.

They shouldn’t be dragging you down at every moment of the day.

They shouldn’t be giving you panic attacks after a passionate kiss with someone you love and trust.

They shouldn’t sit with you as you stare in the mirror and cut your hair with scissors out of pure mania.

They shouldn’t exist so effortlessly in your life.

They’re not supposed to be there.

Some may even joke about how normal these demons are and the mental problems that affect so many hurting people.


Our culture has become quite disturbing in that sense, when you truly think about it.

We’ve normalized depression, anxiety and other mental disorders so much to the point that we joke about them constantly.

You can’t get on twitter without seeing a joke about depression or suicide.

I’ve always been an advocate for ending the stigma that comes with mental health issues.

That’s a beautiful thing.

But normalizing these issues is not okay.

It’s gotten to the point that it’s weird NOT to have to depression or anxiety.

So our culture has convinced itself that everyone on the planet has mental issues or we joke about their existence on Twitter just to fit in.

That is so gross to me.

And it’s particularly horrible for people who truly suffer with these issues.

Depression and Anxiety and many other disorders are treatable.

Most of them aren’t supposed to last forever.

And with therapy, medication, and a healthy lifestyle switch, most of these disorders are treatable.

But this whole “you’re not normal unless you’re suicidal” culture is not okay.

Because it normalizes suicide.

And suicide isn’t normal.


Now on a personal note,

I think we allow ourselves to be accustomed to the demons and depression and the disturbing thoughts that invade our psyche.

When I was 20, I was committed to a psychiatric hospital.

It was actually the reason I wrote my first blog.

I don’t remember everything from that week of my life, all I remember is wanting to end my life.

I had a date picked out.

I had a plan.

And my friends, family and even my acquaintances completely freaked out.

Back then, I kept thinking that everyone was being dramatic.

That I didn’t want to make a “big deal” out of the situation.

I only told one or two people how bad my PTSD was because I was afraid that people would exaggerate and freak out.

Looking back on it now,

Of course they did.

Of course they committed me to that hospital.

Of course.

I was a threat to my own life.

However, I was desensitized to the demons and the thoughts in my brain that I had convinced myself that MY thoughts were rational.

And everyone else was being insane.


It’s hard to come to terms with the fact that you might just be irrational,

But it’s taking a step back,

Really listening to yourself and speaking to others to figure out that your thoughts may not be all that normal.

Now, after years of therapy and one hospitalization, I’ve learned that for me, I just pretend that a close friend is talking to me.

As if I were listening to someone I loved dearly sharing their thoughts with me instead of the thoughts being my own.

If those thoughts were coming from a dear loved one, would I be concerned?

If yes, then I know that those thoughts aren’t rational. Its just the demons normalizing their existence again.


I know how hard it is to ask for help.

I know how hard it is to put yourself in the spotlight and say “hi I’m not okay” because that’s too much attention.

I really get it.

But it all starts with telling someone.

As soon as those thoughts are said out loud, God and the rest of the world will do whatever it takes to bring you back to a healthy place.

It may all sound really dramatic, honestly it did to me too.

However, it all comes from a place of love.

People in your life love you and they want you to be okay,

So swallow your pride, dear one, and your beliefs that this is all “normal” and the demons following your every move are just a part of the ride.

Tell someone.

That’s all it takes to start the process to get back to REAL normal.


So if you’re having thoughts that seem a bit “off” just please talk to someone.

Look into a therapist or a school counselor.

Share your thoughts.

If they seem a bit irrational, they probably are.

I love you.

You are so strong

And this too shall pass.

Because demons aren’t normal,

Don’t listen to the backwards culture we’ve created

And getting rid of them isn’t impossible.

Trust me.

 

 

facebook – Becca Tremmel

instagram – @littlelionbecca

twitter – @littlelionbecca

I hate that word.

“Sociopath.”

It makes you sound like a complete monster.

Like some serial killer that we hear about on the news.

I don’t think you’re a monster.

Well, I didn’t used to think that you were a monster.

Because when I think of monsters I think of horrifying creatures that reside in my closet and only come out when I’m having a nightmare.

I don’t think of a handsome guy with nice hair sleeping in my bed and whispering “I love you so much” over and over and over again.

No, when I used to think of a monster, you never came to mind.

That changed.

I now see you for what you really are.

A sociopath.


 

You’re someone who feels absolutely no remorse.

Someone who could hurt me repeatedly over the course of a three year relationship.

Someone who feels some sick type of happiness whenever you meet your next victim.

Someone who hurts people

Badly.

Someone who hurt me

Badly.

Someone whom I loved

Badly.

I sure know how to pick ’em, right?


In my defense when I met you, I was 12 years old.

I didn’t even know what a boy was.

Let alone what love was.

I saw you and I was instantly enchanted with the firm way you held my hand during our first hand-shake.

The way your blue green eyes looked straight into mine as if you had known me for my entire life. Just as if we both knew right then that we were made to be together.

That thought stayed with me until I was 19 years old (much longer than I’d like to admit).


 

 

Only after I moved off to college and faded away from you did I realize that something about our relationship was just…

off.

I started having flashbacks that involved you and certain parts of our relationship that haunt me to this day.

And as much as I hate to say it,

I remember it all. 

I remember our very first “date” when I  was 15 and you shoved your hand down my pants in a public restaurant and I started crying.

You hadn’t even kissed me yet.

I remember when you screamed at me and told me you were going to hit me with your car because I couldn’t buy you dinner that day.

I remember you never taking “no” for an answer.

Not once.

I remember you saying horrible things about my family and alienating me from everyone I loved.

I remember things that I will probably never repeat for the remainder of my life.

I remember it all.

And I’d give anything to forget every last one of those memories.


 

What I still don’t understand is,

why?

Why me?

I loved every single piece of you

Even the dark ones.

The world has treated you horribly and I know that.

I was sitting there right beside you, holding your hand as it all took place.

And I was there as you intentionally hurt me over and over again so that I’d feel as horrible as you did all the time. 

You’ve had a hard life.

 

And I thought that if I could take even a shred of discomfort away from you,

If I could’ve taken any of the hard hits and spared you any second of pain,

I would’ve.

I allowed you to take advantage of me for years because I was 15 and I thought that I was doing the right thing because I loved you.

I was wrong. 

Love is not allowing someone to abuse you so that they can feel empowered and in control. 

 

And I’ve been terrified of you ever since the day I realized that you are a complete sociopath.

Because if I could recall every single one of my worst nightmares,

They’d always involve you.


 

I’m not sure when I’ll let go of the fear and move on.

I’ve been working on it for a while.

You’ve made me completely incapable of having anything close to a healthy relationship.

I hate that.

I just want to be happy.

I just want to move on.

I just want to let go and completely forget everything that has happened.

But we both know that’s impossible.

So instead I’m trying a different and sometimes unpopular tactic,

Forgiveness.


 

I forgive you for taking advantage of my innocent heart and attempting to destroy any piece of happiness that has ever come my way.

I forgive you for completely skewing my view of love to the point where manipulation should just be expected in any of my relationships.

I forgive you for saying horrible things about my family and for damaging my relationship with my mother.

I forgive you for making my high school experience an absolute living hell.

And I forgive you for taking out all of your pent up anger on me.

Me. 

The person who loved you more than anyone else ever had.

I forgive you.

But it’s not for your sake,

No.

It’s for me. 

Because I refuse to be your victim any longer.

I refuse to allow you to be my worst fear.

I refuse to believe that everything you did to me for those three years was out of “love”

I refuse to believe that’s love.

I refuse to believe that is anything close to love.

And I refuse to let this experience define me.

Because no matter how much hate and hurt your existence puts into this world,

I will stay a loving, merciful person.

I refuse to change.

I refuse to become as hateful as you.

So instead,

I forgive you.

 

 

 

 

Facebook – Becca Tremmel

Instagram – @littlelionbecca

Twitter – @BeccaTremmel