I’ve spent the better part of my life pulling people into my circle.

 

Because once I’ve decided that I love you and I need you to keep breathing, that’s truly it for me.

 

I have to do everything in my power to keep them from walking away from me or our friendship or our relationship.

 

I’ve always heard that it’s natural for friendships to wilt away and for people to keep moving down their own paths without each other.

 

“Some people are there for a reason, some people are there for a season.”

 

It’s that old cliché, right?

 

Wrong.

 

At least, that’s what I always thought.


It’s not hard to keep up with a friendship, right?

 

I spend the extra hours of my days calling, texting, writing and thinking about the people I love.

 

If I haven’t talked to a childhood friend for a few months, I’ll always call them out of the blue and ask how life is going.

 

One of my childhood friends told me once, “Bec, we were so close when we were young but as we grew older I was fully prepared for that friendship to wilt away but you… you just wouldn’t let it.”

 

No, I never let friendships “fade” for no reason whatsoever. 

 

It always baffled me when people just say “I don’t know… we just don’t talk anymore.”

 

Why?

 

Why would you let that person you loved so much at one point just fade out of your life?

 

It was an insanely foreign concept to me up until this past year.


For me, there always has to be meaning in everything.

 

I spend years trying to find lessons in the trauma and experiences I’ve endured because if I don’t find the meaning or the “lesson,” how am I supposed to move on?

 

Was I just not good enough?

 

Did I not call them enough?

 

Was I not there when they needed me?

 

I ache over the absence of someone for years.

 

Until it finally clicks in my mind 

 

“Oh… that’s why that happened.”

 

 But it gets exhausting, you know?

 

 Constantly throwing myself at people just desperate to keep them around.

 

 If I never called them again, would they call me?

 

 If I stopped sending them random memes one day, would they notice?

 

Maybe.

 

Maybe not.

 

I never wanted to find out.

 

So I call.

 

I text.

 

I send gifts.

 

If there was a fight, I always apologize first.

 

Even if I wasn’t the one in the wrong.


But over the past year, I’ve learned a very important and brutal lesson,

 

I can’t make someone love me.

 

I can’t force someone to be my friend.

 

I can’t insert meaning into a situation when maybe, there’s no rhyme or reason.

 

If something’s not meant to be, then I can’t change that.

 

No matter how many times I call,

 

No matter how many times I pour my heart out in a letter,

 

No matter how many lessons I feel I missed out on.

 

 I can’t make someone feel what they don’t.


It’s been a lonely season in life for me.

 

Because I’ve lost quite a few people over the last year.

 

And I’ve been attempting to force puzzle pieces together that just clearly don’t fit.

 

But through it all, I have learned a few things (still searching for lessons),

 

There are people out there who do truly love me just as much as I love them.

 

And people who do choose to be in my life just as much as I choose to be in theirs.

 

But the only person I need validation from is myself.

 

The only person who can fulfill all my needs and dim down my insecurities is myself.


People come and go.

 

Friendships end.

 

Love fades when it’s not meant to be.

 

But that doesn’t mean that I’m unloveable.

 

That doesn’t mean there’s something fundamentally wrong with me.

 

It’s just the way the world seems to work.

 

I’ll continue pouring my heart out sure,

 

And reaching out to everyone I love and have loved,

 

And I’ll even continue rebuilding my half of any burned bridge,

 

But I’ll do it while being kind to myself.

 

I’ve been giving every ounce of my unconditional love to everyone I possibly can,

 

And I’ll continue to do so.

 

But now I’ll save just a little for myself as well.

Becca Tremmel

 

facebook – Becca Tremmel

instagram – @littlelionbecca

twitter – @littlelionbecca

Seriously why?

What has he ever done to deserve a sunflower like you?

I know that he used to be a wonderful guy and he even bought you chocolate once or twice.

But that was at the beginning of your relationship.

Now he’s just an ass.


For instance, he asks you to buy his lunch daily because he refuses to get an actual job.

Remember when you had that panic attack because you thought you were about to fail out of school?

And instead of calling me

Your best friend

You called him.

>:(

And he told you that you were being overly dramatic and then hung up.

Do you remember that?

Yeah, I remember that, too.

Or that time you guys had that big fight because he constantly talks to his ex-girlfriends about your relationship’s problems…

Oh but then he manipulated the situation and made it your fault because you didn’t trust him.

ugh.


I’ve kept my mouth shut for so long.

I’ve listened to you tell anticlimactic stories about how his good intentions almost saved the day that one time and it was almost really remarkable.

I’ve heard every “almost” story.

I’ve watched the entire relationship unfold miserably.

And I give you props for being such a forgiving and optimistic person.

But seriously dude

It has to stop.


You are such a stunning human being and it makes me physically ill to watch him treat you the way he does.

Every time he says, “You wear too much makeup.”

or, “You should lose weight.”

or, “Babe, don’t worry it’s just flirting. I’m not cheating on you.”

It hurts me to watch you hurt.

Because you absolutely do not wear too much makeup.

And you are absolutely perfect looking.

And flirting with someone else is absolutely cheating.

I don’t give an eff what he thinks.

Zero effs.

Not one.


At some point you have to realize that you’re worth more, right?

That there has to be a line

One that he cannot blur

One that he cannot cross

Right?

And when the day comes that he attempts to walk across that line you’ll set his ass straight.

Right?


God…

I am so worried for you

And for your heart.

Because every time he does another horrifying thing I witness a small part of who you are disappear into nothing.

I watch pieces of your identity fade away.

You don’t take mesmerizing photos anymore.

You don’t write colorful poetry anymore.

You never talk about God or your solid foundation of faith anymore.

No instead you talk about him and every little thing that he doesn’t like about you.

And every little thing that you need to change about yourself in order to keep him happy.

That terrifies me. 


But still, I have hope.

I hope you rediscover what a lovely soul you are and that your heart is one of the most precious things to exist on this earth.

I hope you find your sense of security in yourself and God rather than in a guy who doesn’t know the difference between love and lust.

I hope you walk outside one day and take some captivating photos.

And I hope you sit down and write a poem that could make a brick wall cry.

And when that beautiful day comes when you decide that you’re done with him,

The day you realize that he is completely full of it.

I will still be here

Ready to key his car

Ready to help you burn all his crap

Ready to do whatever illegal act is necessary to help you feel better

Because we’re best friends and that’s what we do.

But until then,

Whenever you talk about him or even just mention his stupid name,

I will continue to ask..

Every time

“Why the EFF are you dating him?”