by on

well goddamn it has been a minute since I’ve typed out a blog.

I mean truly, what year is it?

Remember when I used to blog all of the time??

It used to be the absolute best way for me to cope and process all of the swirling chaos that was my life for so long.

But then blogging became *lame* and people started filming videos for the clock app instead.

No one really wants to read a blog anymore, right?

No one has any remnants of an attention span anymore… right???

No one cares about the torment that is my past love life anymore….. right!???!!?

I’m really hoping that you’ll prove me wrong.

Even though I just spent approximately 2.5 hours scrolling through the clock app.

No one is perfect OKAY.

Anyways,

On Friday, 7.29.22 I released a single called “Relapse.”

If you haven’t listened to it yet,

  1. are we even friends?
  2. it’s definitely got swirling chaos energy so
  3. if you ever enjoyed any of the blogs I wrote, you may potentially enjoy that song maybe

I wanted to write just a little something about the inspiration behind the song and all of the processing that continues to occur years after it was written,

in a swirling chaos kind of way.

I was in an on and off “relationship” for about 7 years.

That’s right, 7.

That’s right, “relationship”

It was more of a best friendship turned trauma bond,

a let’s-hang-out-for-15 hours-and-cancel-every-other-plan-we-had-for-the-week, type deal,

a life lesson disguised as a twin flame imprint, if you will.

(I’m assuming if you’ve read my blog then you’ve read twilight. the research is there I just haven’t gathered it)

I don’t think I could put it more plainly than that.

Over the course of those 7 years, I wrote songs.

Dozens of songs.

Hundreds of poems.

Thousands of drunken rants in my notes app.

I was a woman possessed.

And through all of those scraps of sentences and metaphors and letters to myself that began with the phrase, “BECCA, CALM THE HELL DOWN.”

(I’m not even joking)

I began to process bits and pieces of the swirling chaos that was this “situationship.”

I decided to downgrade it.

It was a very large pill to swallow once I realized I had dedicated some of the most enthusiastic, romantic, and optimistic years of my life to someone who didn’t care if I got hit by a bus.

Unless he could profit off of the pity somehow.

I gave this man my youth.

I know I’m still hot and young but damn.

My most well-crafted lyrics were dedicated to someone who once referred to me as a “quick fix” in his own writings.

So why was I so hellbent on the idea of us being together and fulfilling the prophecy of us being Johnny and June reincarnated?

I may have lost my marbles…slightly.

So how did I go from being hopelessly dedicated to a human potato,

to an independent lady who is finally capable of having a healthy, wonderful relationship?

I will share all of my secrets.

  1. I made a quick little timeline of my life, emphasizing the years that I became pathetic

I wrote down all of the times this man had upset me. Or really any time anybody had upset me in the past 7 years. I made notes about when we came back together, when forgiveness was gifted and boundaries immediately blurred. I pieced it all together until I had a general timeline of my life.

Then I saw an immediate cycle. It had always been there and I had always known we were in a rut, but actually seeing the cycle of how we’d be buds and then spending every second together and then he’d do something so incredibly horrible that I cut him out immediately and then months or weeks of space and writing, and then BAM I miss him. One of us reaches out and back down the rabbit hole we go.

I was doing the SAME thing over and over and over again. Hundreds of times from what I gathered, and not only with him. I had been living in this cycle with multiple people for YEARS. He was just the prominent one that uncovered the rest of my insanity. I immediately thought “I’ve been having the same conflict with the same characters over and over again for almost a decade.”

It’s almost like when you watch a comfort show or movie over and over again because you know exactly what’s going to happen and who’s going to betray who and how the ending always is. I had made these relationships my comfort show. I knew exactly what they would do to me each time we tried again, yet I allowed it because I felt comfortable in the outcome. I knew it wouldn’t kill me and I knew I’d forgive them again anyways. Why was I doing this? So my working theory is I had a massive fear of commitment and allowing myself to be loved the way I was truly worthy of it because of lack of self esteem or some shit like that? Idk I’m still in therapy.

2. When the moment came, I made a different choice.

So what happens in a cycle? The same shit over and over again. Exactly right. So how do you break out of something like that? One of you needs to make a different choice. So when you haven’t been speaking for three months and you REALLy miss them and you just watched a REALLY sad movie about lost lovers who were supposed to end up together but didn’t and you REALLY hate yourself because you’re stalking their instagram and who liked their recent post and so you send a quick text or like one of their photos to be coy, just don’t. I know that sounds impossible, but hear me out.

Love addiction is incredibly difficult, but also kind of predictable. I know that I won’t miss them forever. I know that withdrawals only last so long and then I’m on the up and up again. I know that as soon as I give in to a relapse (hehe) I will hate myself and it honestly doesn’t feel as good or satisfy my heart like I thought it would. Going back to the wrong person over and over again is disappointing. You’ve spent days, weeks, or months romanticizing their greatest hits. It’s almost as if anger and betrayal and broken hearts fade but love doesn’t. The good things don’t fade like the bad things do. So when you miss them and look back on this “shituationship” (I downgraded again) all you feel are warm, fuzzy and passionate feelings. All of that icky stuff has faded or simmered down. It only bubbles back up when you’re with them and it STILL sucks. It never feels quite as good as you think it’s going to when you’re back with them.

I still remember the moment that I made a different choice. I was home in bed. I hadn’t seen him in 6 months and I was in a different relationship. I missed being friends with him but I knew it would be impossible. The withdrawals started, but I didn’t give in. I held strong.

But then one night at 11pm.

BAM.

He calls me.

I stared at my phone as it just buzzed in my hand.

I started thinking “Oh god he’s drunk in a ditch somewhere. He needs me. If I don’t go then he’ll die. He’s in a depressive state. If something bad happens then that’s on me. I should answer. I have to answer.”

But I continued to just stare at my phone.

And then,

silence.

I didn’t answer.

I didn’t text him the next day.

I just went on like nothing ever happened.

He later told me when we ran into each other that he basically WAS drunk in a ditch somewhere and needed me but I didn’t answer.

Did I almost throw up?

Absolutely.

Was he my responsibility?

Absolutely not.

It is 100% possible to make a different choice when the cycle starts to pull you back in. It’s uncomfortable. It goes against every screaming fiber in your body, but that’s addiction baby. You have to re-wire your brain by breaking out of that cycle.

3. Love yourself just as you loved them

I wasn’t the biggest fan of myself for a long time. I didn’t care about what I put on my body or what I ate or my living space or how I spent my time. My entire existence was to please another person. Not cute !!!

After I broke the cycle, he came back up one or two more times. I will say, the cycle damn near pulled me in again but I stayed strong. Now it’s just second nature.

I spent a year and a half by myself. No dating, really.

I moved into a place by myself and furnished it with things that make me so happy.

I went for walks in my new neighborhood that happens to be my favorite part of town.

I started buying myself flowers for my dining room table

I took pottery classes and poetry classes and acting classes

I fell in love with painting

I worked on my music like a crazy person

My creative energy exploded into like 8 different channels

I made new friends

I went out by myself didn’t want to hide in a corner due to lack of self esteem.

I developed a skincare routine !!

I read the entire bible

I learned how to cook and bake

I learned how to take care of curly hair

I continued to write songs and poems and drunken notes in my phone to further process what had happened

I started releasing art inspired by him.

I started inspiring myself.

I figured out all the things that made me happy and all of the people who don’t deplete me of energy and love and I held onto them

The rest were given boundaries or nothing at all.

When you’re forced to spend time alone, you really figure out who you are.

It’s been a total game changer for me.

I know that those 7 years were not a waste of time, ultimately.

Do I wish I had made different decisions?

Absolutely.

But I learned so much about myself and about love and it led me to where I am now,

A somewhat stable bitch with a terrifying work ethic and all the love I could possibly ask for.

Every person I’ve spoken to about this situation always responds with something like,

“Oh yeah I have one of those, an on off again will they won’t they from hell.”

So I thought I’d compile some of those tips that helped me (even though I have truly no idea what I’m talking about, I just have vast experience in this department) and also maybe promote my song and also write a blog because I miss it.

Thanks for reading this far and for listening to the song! Here it is,

Relapse Links

I’m going to continue drinking my 3rd cup of coffee today and not texting anybody toxic,

Because unironically,

I can indeed quit whenever I want.

by on

I’ve spent the better part of my life pulling people into my circle.

 

Because once I’ve decided that I love you and I need you to keep breathing, that’s truly it for me.

 

I have to do everything in my power to keep them from walking away from me or our friendship or our relationship.

 

I’ve always heard that it’s natural for friendships to wilt away and for people to keep moving down their own paths without each other.

 

“Some people are there for a reason, some people are there for a season.”

 

It’s that old cliché, right?

 

Wrong.

 

At least, that’s what I always thought.

It’s not hard to keep up with a friendship, right?

 

I spend the extra hours of my days calling, texting, writing and thinking about the people I love.

 

If I haven’t talked to a childhood friend for a few months, I’ll always call them out of the blue and ask how life is going.

 

One of my childhood friends told me once, “Bec, we were so close when we were young but as we grew older I was fully prepared for that friendship to wilt away but you… you just wouldn’t let it.”

 

No, I never let friendships “fade” for no reason whatsoever. 

 

It always baffled me when people just say “I don’t know… we just don’t talk anymore.”

 

Why?

 

Why would you let that person you loved so much at one point just fade out of your life?

 

It was an insanely foreign concept to me up until this past year.

For me, there always has to be meaning in everything.

 

I spend years trying to find lessons in the trauma and experiences I’ve endured because if I don’t find the meaning or the “lesson,” how am I supposed to move on?

 

Was I just not good enough?

 

Did I not call them enough?

 

Was I not there when they needed me?

 

I ache over the absence of someone for years.

 

Until it finally clicks in my mind 

 

“Oh… that’s why that happened.”

 

 But it gets exhausting, you know?

 

 Constantly throwing myself at people just desperate to keep them around.

 

 If I never called them again, would they call me?

 

 If I stopped sending them random memes one day, would they notice?

 

Maybe.

 

Maybe not.

 

I never wanted to find out.

 

So I call.

 

I text.

 

I send gifts.

 

If there was a fight, I always apologize first.

 

Even if I wasn’t the one in the wrong.

But over the past year, I’ve learned a very important and brutal lesson,

 

I can’t make someone love me.

 

I can’t force someone to be my friend.

 

I can’t insert meaning into a situation when maybe, there’s no rhyme or reason.

 

If something’s not meant to be, then I can’t change that.

 

No matter how many times I call,

 

No matter how many times I pour my heart out in a letter,

 

No matter how many lessons I feel I missed out on.

 

 I can’t make someone feel what they don’t.

It’s been a lonely season in life for me.

 

Because I’ve lost quite a few people over the last year.

 

And I’ve been attempting to force puzzle pieces together that just clearly don’t fit.

 

But through it all, I have learned a few things (still searching for lessons),

 

There are people out there who do truly love me just as much as I love them.

 

And people who do choose to be in my life just as much as I choose to be in theirs.

 

But the only person I need validation from is myself.

 

The only person who can fulfill all my needs and dim down my insecurities is myself.

People come and go.

 

Friendships end.

 

Love fades when it’s not meant to be.

 

But that doesn’t mean that I’m unloveable.

 

That doesn’t mean there’s something fundamentally wrong with me.

 

It’s just the way the world seems to work.

 

I’ll continue pouring my heart out sure,

 

And reaching out to everyone I love and have loved,

 

And I’ll even continue rebuilding my half of any burned bridge,

 

But I’ll do it while being kind to myself.

 

I’ve been giving every ounce of my unconditional love to everyone I possibly can,

 

And I’ll continue to do so.

 

But now I’ll save just a little for myself as well.

– Becca Tremmel

 

facebook – Becca Tremmel

instagram – @littlelionbecca

twitter – @littlelionbecca

by on

It’s  dark.

And you’re sitting emotionlessly still

For minutes

For days

For who knows how long it’s been

You can’t move.

Because if you twist your body

if you lower your head

if you so much as flinch.

You’ll feel it.

Aching inside of you.

Inside the part of you that the doctors can’t even get to

The part of you that your favorite person couldn’t even reach with reassuring words and unconditional love.

You’ll feel it.

Existing.

Some nights it’ll be aching so painfully that you’ll wish you could rip open a hole in your chest and finally just tear it out of you.

But you can’t.

So it continues to ache.

It continues to exist.

And you continue to sit still.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

I sit next to you

Hopelessly.

I hold your hand until you can wander around without the aching bringing you to your knees.

I watch you drink until you can’t feel your limbs and you’re stumbling around the house,

Falling into doors and laughing about it.

I laugh with you.

I let you take advantage of my presence while saying words you don’t mean.

“I love you,”

you say

“Who am I sitting next to?”

you think

I feel that I’m watching a child crawl around blindly in a cave they happened to stumble into one day while on an innocent adventure.

You fell into this cave.

A cave that is long and black and absolutely terrifying.

I know that cave.

I walked through the passages and screamed down the tunnels until my voice was just a scratched up whisper.

I know exactly where you’re at.

And I can’t do anything about it.

I want so badly to follow you into the cave.

I want to search through every single passage, inside every single crevice until I find you hiding in a corner waiting for me.

I want to hold your cold clammy hands, pull you up onto unsteady feet, and lead you back out of that godforsaken cave.

I want to find you.

I want to save you.

But I can’t.

Because I’d get lost, myself.

And that frustration is absolutely ripping me apart.

It’s destroying everything I am

And everything good I have ever believed in.

Because I can’t save you. 

So, I’m begging you.

Please don’t ask me to walk back in there.

Because I would in a fraction of a heartbeat.

You know that.

But so many horrible things could go wrong.

What if we never found our way out?

What if the aching hurt so bad that one of us laid down to rest and then never woke up again?

What if we never laid eyes on each other again?

What if

What if

What if

So instead of running into the cave carelessly,

I will stand by the entrance

By the light.

And wait

And call your name

And tell you that I love you

And I’ll laugh when you drunkenly fall into doors while holding my hand

And I’ll watch your favorite movie with you twice in one day just so the aching is relieved for an hour or two.

And then

During one particularly sunny day,

You will emerge from this cave

Caked in dirt and blood,

Ache-less

And I will run up,

Pull you into the most satisfying hug you will ever receive,

Smile like a fool

And say,

“It’s nice to see you again, old friend.”

 

 

 

Facebook – Becca Tremmel

Instagram – @littlelionbecca

Twitter –@littlelionbecca

 

by on

I think you’re really pretty.

I used to hate thinking you were really pretty.

I used to wish you were plain; I used to wish you were boring.

I used to wish you had dead bodies in your closet or that your Instagram photos weren’t so freakin’ cute.

Because maybe then he wouldn’t have chosen you.

But a few months ago, I had a life altering realization.

And that is why I’m writing this letter.

I’ve been wanting to have this conversation with you for a while because I feel that I owe you an explanation as to why I was in love with your love for so long.

I know he’s yours now.

But he was once mine.

And we were once happy.

For six months, I was the one who lifted him up and made him feel like a little kid. I was the one racing him down sidewalks and watching him scream I love you at the top of his lungs. I was the one wearing his high school t-shirts and sleeping next to him every other night. I was making him happy.

I was his.

Because you weren’t there.

He had never said your name before.

He had no idea that you even existed.

And I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t enjoy the days when you were nonexistent.

The months before I heard your name for the first time were the most beautifully tragic months I’ve ever lived through.

I remember the way he looked at me after he heard me sing for the first time. He counted how many times we made eye contact that night and it turned out to be about 30 times… We were kind of ridiculous like that.

I remember when I held his hand for the first time. We were watching a movie in my dorm room when he held his hand out and asked me to lie down next to him. I threw a pillow at his face because I was so embarrassed and shy… but after his third attempt, I took his hand anyway.

I remember when he accidentally told me he loved me almost every single day after we’d been dating for two weeks. I’d say something funny and he’d reply, “Ah… and that’s why I love you.” Then he’d run away screaming, “IT WAS AN ACCIDENT PRETEND I DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING!“

I remember the moment I thought I realized he was not the guy I was going to end up with.

I remember being wrong.

I remember watching our love tailspin to rock bottom when I became insecure with the relationship and demanded unrealistic things from him.

I remember leaving him.

I remember regretting it.

I remember feeling so far away from God because I believed He had taken the only true love I’d ever experienced away from me like He was tearing skin from the bone.

I remember not leaving my bed for three months.

I remember hearing your name for the first time.

I remember crying.

A lot.

I remember the bad months just as much as the good months.

And I honestly can’t tell you which ones hurt more.

I sometimes wish I would forget all the sweet facts that make up who he is as a person.

But I memorized them as I’m sure you have.

We both know he’s an introvert who tries exceptionally hard to be an extrovert. We both know he loves capes for some reason. We both know he suffers from occasional crippling anxiety. We both know how much he loves milk. We both know he loves pulling pranks but is also terrified of getting in trouble because he’s a good boy at heart. We both know that he h8s h8ers. And we both know his darling mother means more to him than either of us ever could.

We both know him fairly well.

You more so than I.

But then again, you held his hand much longer than I did.

I never so strongly believed in a love like I believed in him.

He was the one.

Was.

Not too long ago, I moved on and I now believe in a new love.

A steadier love.

And I truly believe there is more than one person out there in the world that we are meant to be with.

Because if there’s only one, then wow, we’re all screwed.

So if I’m no longer in love with him… why did I decide to write this?

Because I want you to know that I feel no resentment toward you.

And that I just really hope you make him happy.

Because that is all I ever wanted to give him.

Happiness.

His happiness meant more to me than my own. I was unable to give him the happiness he needed.

And it almost killed me.

But I hope in the end everything works out better for you.

And I hope you get to be with the love of our lives because you really do deserve to be happy.

I hope that if you ever decide to leave, he’ll love you enough to stop you at the door and kiss you until you decide to stay.

I hope you turn around and promise that you’ll never leave his side.

I hope you don’t make the same mistake I did.

I hope you stay.

Because one of us has to.

And it’s much too late for me.

I hope your love lasts much longer than ours ever did, and I hope you don’t see me as his ex-love who is resentful because I no longer carry his heart around.

I’m merely the girl who was meant to love him right before you came along.

And even though I didn’t know that for a very very long time (I may not have known it until I finished writing this letter), I know it now. And it’s a role I’m not ashamed to play.

Because at least I got him for six months.

At least I had enough time to memorize him completely.

At least I have his love safe in my heart so I can revisit it whenever I miss him.

I do miss him.

A lot sometimes.

But I’m always reassured with the beautiful fact that he has you.

And you won’t leave him.

And that is why I wrote this for you.

Because I think you’re really pretty, and I think it may in fact be forever between you two.

And if you were meant to be his life long love story,

Then I’m just happy to be the prologue.

Love,

The girl he loved before you

.

.

.

Facebook – Becca Tremmel

Instagram – @littlelionbecca

Twitter – @beccatremmel

by on

I know how much pain you’re in. I understand why you’ve made the bathroom floor your home and why you haven’t eaten anything besides cheez-its in over a week. I get it, Angel.

He hurt you.

Angel, I know you don’t want to pick yourself off the ground and limp back to the unforgiving world like nothing ever happened. I know this feels like the end for you.

Or at least you want it to be.

I know you had a panic attack last night that left you screaming and crying while throwing your pillow around the room while his words echoed mercilessly inside your head,

“I don’t love you anymore.”

And I know you’re still in love with him, Angel. I know you thought you were stronger than him.

I know your argument.

“It was 3am and we were laughing harder than my will could take and his blue eyes had never looked more lovely and his thoughts were for my ears only… And I was screwed.”

I’ve heard the things he’s said. I’ve sat in that bed and watched his perfect lips form promising words.

“It’s different with you.”

“You make me feel so comfortable.”

“I’ve never told anyone that.”

“I think I’m in love with you.”

and other things that you know he hasn’t told another soul.

You thought you were different.

And maybe you were.

But maybe that 3am nonsense talk was just that… nonsense.

And maybe he wasn’t showing you broken, scattered pieces of his soul that were for your eyes only.

Maybe they were just words that were mindlessly said after a long, sleepless night.

You thought he’d stay.

I mean he promised, didn’t he?

You let your darkest thought slip out of your mouth and he was still able to find some small light.

He became your light, Angel.

But you need to become your own light.

Because we all say things we don’t mean. We all break promises.

We all get lost in the moment when someone is kissing our neck and we prematurely blurt out,

“I love you.”

We all do stupid things without thinking of the repercussions

We all run around on untouched, fresh snow. We all pick the prettiest flowers and then watch them wilt. We all wear and re-wear our favorite sweater until it tears at the seam.

Sometimes people don’t think, Angel. But that doesn’t mean they’re out to burn you.

Please, Angel, don’t start looking for that darkness in the world.

I know he chased away some really terrifying storms.

I know he said some really wonderful things.

And I know he’s really pretty

…but so are flowers.

Angel you shouldn’t be on the floor. And you shouldn’t grieve over a memory. Because at the end of the day, that’s all he is

…a memory.

I know it hurts right now. Worse than it ever has.

But you have to hold on, Angel

You have to strap your wings back on.

You have to be the stunning light that you are.

Because love will not be the thing that kills you.

That’s unacceptable.

Oh, and one last thing before I go, Angel,

Don’t you dare settle for anything less than heaven.

Love,

Someone Who Knows

by on

I’m a koala.

I love attaching myself to people and never letting them go.

I love people.

And I love loving people.

I’ve learned that there’s a unique genre of people who get unavoidably attached incredibly easily.

I call these people koalas.

Because we’re the people who want to hug you and refuse to let go even when you squirm to get away.

We’ll keep loving the crap outta you.

Sorry ‘bout it.

There are beautiful traits and experiences that come with being koala

But there are also really heart wrenching lessons that we have to learn and those lessons will tear us apart more than any non-koala will ever understand.

Koalas have this amazing gift of opening up to anything with a heartbeat. Vulnerability is our second language because we’re addicted to making connections with people.

Koalas trust people easily because there is good in every soul, even if it looks pitch black. We’ll find the good.

However, trusting everyone can backfire. Sometimes we open up to the wrong people and put valuable information in their dirty hands. One of the first lessons a koala will learn is not everybody wants to see you flourish and overcome your trials.

Sometimes people steal your wings and then push you off the ledge while yelling, “Why aren’t you flying??”

Koalas don’t understand those people or how they can possibly find entertainment in watching others’ fail. But we still love those people, because we can’t help it.

So how do you know if you’re a koala? How do you spot a koala? Well I’ve noticed some shining traits that koalas have. Here are a few,

  1. Those people who seem to have about 357 “best friends” and who are always surrounded by a crowd

Example – “I have to buy Christmas gifts for my best friends Rachel, Monica, Chandler, Phoebe, Ross, Joey, Gunther, Mike, Taylor, Kesha, Sara, Hunter, etc”

  1. Those people who keep old movie tickets and leave dead flowers in their room because they’re “sentimental” and make them think of someone they adore.

Example – I still have my ticket to a Hannah Montana concert I went to in 7th grade because I went with my best friend and I’m incapable of throwing it out.

  1. Those people who remember dates to the point where it’s abnormal.

Example – “Hey did you know that 5 years ago today you and I went to that one park right by your church and talked for hours about love, religion and our passions? HAPPY FRIENDIVERSARY.”

  1. Those people who open up like it’s their major.

Example – If you and I go on a coffee date I can honestly say that within a half hour, you will know my entire life story including the dark parts. I can’t control how much I share… it’s like word vomit.

  1. And finally those people who cherish the smallest acts of kindness by others.

Example – “Oh my gosh, you’re letting me come over into your lane despite all of this traffic? Can I buy you dinner sometime? How about flowers? How do you feel about love at first sight? I just really think we’d be forever friends….”

Does any of that sound like you? If so, congrats! You’ve got the most wonderful, heartbreaking, beautiful, naïve, loving, destructive, inspiring condition that a person can have!

So go out and throw your open heart at unsuspecting people

Maybe they’ll accept you.

Maybe they won’t.

But you’re a koala and no heart shattering experience will ever stop you from loving everything unconditionally.

And that’s quite an amazing trait to have.

So just keep being the adorable koala that you are

Because the world needs loving people like you to make connections and love like there’s no tomorrow.

I believe in you

and I love you.

-Becca Tremmel