“So… how have you been?”
Please say anything but “good.”
Please for the love of God.
“Good.” you said, hesitantly
“Oh great! That’s… wonderful.” I said with a sigh.
The tension started bubbling up as we said nothing for a minute or two.
Should I just give him the letters? Maybe I should wait… He may not want me anymore.
“Well… we should probably talk.” You said, defeated.
And that was when I knew that no amount of pleading or convincing would keep us together.
You had already given up.
And at that point.
I did too.
Five Minutes Sober
“We’ll still be friends, don’t worry.”
You handed me my favorite pair of shoes and I placed them on top of my car so I could hug you goodbye.
This was it.
You pulled me in one last time in that bear hug and it took everything in me not to collapse on the ground in a pathetic heap of mangled emotions.
“Take care.” You said as you let go and began walking towards your jeep.
I carried myself to my front steps and watched as you drove away.
Three Days Sober
“I don’t want ANY of it anymore! I need it out of my goddamn house! I need to burn everything he ever touched!”
I screamed while pacing around my room and restlessly throwing items into a box
My roommate sat on my bed and her eyes followed my pacing.
“Oh honey, you’d have to burn the whole house down.” She said quietly with a hint of humor
“FINE. WHERE ARE THE MATCHES?” I threw up my hands in complete defeat.
“Okay look, calm down. Maybe just bring the box to his house?” She suggested with raised eyebrows.
“I am in no state to drive.” Tears stained my face and I couldn’t stand still without falling to my knees.
“Maybe Michael can drive you?” She said, nodding.
It was pouring as I walked out of my house.
I stared down at our entire relationship that I carried now in a single box.
My face was flushed with tears as I looked up at my friend, Michael running from his car to me
Grabbing the box from my shaking hands
And placing it in his car.
We were both soaking wet when we got in the car
Michael turned to me playfully and said,
“Alright, so we’ll drop off this box on his porch. But we could also leave a bag of dog shit with it as well.”
I laughed half-heartedly and turned the face the window.
Preparing myself to walk up your front porch steps for the very last time.
Three Weeks Sober
“Thanks for coming over.”
I was shaking.
“I just really needed someone here with me, I think. Just was not in a good mindset.”
An old friend whispered in my ear as I lay in his bed.
What was I doing here?
A constant stream of thoughts flowed through my head at an anxious pace.
You’re no longer the last person I’ve kissed. You would be so upset if you knew where I was. How can I possibly give myself to this person when all I want is to be with you?
I just want to be with you.
“Are you alright?” He asked curiously.
His arms wrapped around my waist and squeezed tight.
All feeling had left my body.
My eyes stared blankly at his wall in the moonlit room.
The numbness had finally overcome me.
I wondered if you were in another girl’s bed right now.
I wondered if you felt the same numbness I was feeling.
Or if you were happier without me.
Please don’t be happier without me.
Facebook – Becca Tremmel
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