“How did I get here?”

The thought I’ve had while sitting on this porch several times.

Like a recurring nightmare.

Why is he leaving?

Why am I not worthy of love?

And not just any love.

The love.

Why can’t I figure this whole relationship crap out?

I’ve watched someone tear out of my driveway like a getaway driver while I sat on this porch.

I’ve poured my heart out to someone and confessed that my feelings for the past three years were indeed not platonic on this porch.

I’ve shared nonjudgmental cigarettes with someone who just needed a friend to share a horrible story with on this porch.

I’ve told people I’ve loved them on this porch.

I’ve been told I’m not the one for them on this porch.

I’ve cried my eyes out on this porch.

I’ve prayed on this porch.

I’m writing this depressing blog on this porch.

The stories I’ve shared over the years have mostly been of my triumphs and turbulences with love.

Finding it.

Falling in and out of it.

Failing at it.

Deciding to walk away from it.

Sometimes I wonder if it’s a crutch for me.

That I’m just way too terrified of being alone.

Having nothing to come home to besides my cat and a mattress on the floor.

And I do believe that the ability to survive and even thrive without someone to fall back on is a skill we all need to nurture and develop.

But at the same time, my worst fear is walking through this life and leaving it all by myself.

I suppose that’s why I get up off the porch at some point and try again.

But trying again is really exhausting and defeating.

To think about finding another person.

Who you happen to meet somewhere in this broken world.

Then clicking.

And you watch for red flags but ultimately abandon your instincts and fall in love anyway because it’s inevitable at some point.

But the red flags multiply throughout the days, months, years

And you turn your cheek every time.

Until they surround you.

And then that horrible thought creeps into your mind

“Maybe they’re not the one.”

Then denial.

Denial.

Denial.

Denial.

And they hold you while you cry on that floor ridden mattress.

And it’s happening again.

You’ve failed again.

You’re sitting on your front porch while they pull out of your driveway and don’t look back

Again.

But at some point,

We all have to take a deep breath.

Stand up.

Walk inside.

Leave the front porch.

And wait impatiently till that stroke of luck hits you.

And you’re pouring your heart out to someone else on that same front porch.

Because it only has to work once.

You won’t have to sit helplessly and watch them pull out of your driveway.

You won’t have to watch them leave.

Because that person will sit next to you through all of the other triumphs and turbulences in life.

On that very same front porch.

 

 

“So… how have you been?”

Please say anything but “good.”

Please for the love of God.

“Good.” you said, hesitantly

dammit.

“Oh great! That’s… wonderful.” I said with a sigh.

The tension started bubbling up as we said nothing for a minute or two.

Should I just give him the letters? Maybe I should wait… He may not want me anymore.

“Well… we should probably talk.” You said, defeated.

And that was when I knew that no amount of pleading or convincing would keep us together.

You had already given up.

And at that point.

I did too.


 

Five Minutes Sober

 

“We’ll still be friends, don’t worry.”

I nodded.

You handed me my favorite pair of shoes and I placed them on top of my car so I could hug you goodbye.

This was it.

You pulled me in one last time in that bear hug and it took everything in me not to collapse on the ground in a pathetic heap of mangled emotions.

“Take care.” You said as you let go and began walking towards your jeep.

I carried myself to my front steps and watched  as you drove away.


 

Three Days Sober

 

“I don’t want ANY of it anymore! I need it out of my goddamn house! I need to burn everything he ever touched!”

I screamed while pacing around my room and restlessly throwing items into a box

My roommate sat on my bed and her eyes followed my pacing.

“Oh honey, you’d have to burn the whole house down.” She said quietly with a hint of humor

“FINE. WHERE ARE THE MATCHES?” I threw up my hands in complete defeat.

“Okay look, calm down. Maybe just bring the box to his house?” She suggested with raised eyebrows.

“I am in no state to drive.” Tears stained my face and I couldn’t stand still without falling to my knees.

“Maybe Michael can drive you?” She said, nodding.


 

It was pouring as I walked out of my house.

I stared down at our entire relationship that I carried now in a single box.

My face was flushed with tears as I looked up at my friend, Michael running from his car to me

Grabbing the box from my shaking hands

And placing it in his car.

We were both soaking wet when we got in the car

Michael turned to me playfully and said,

“Alright, so we’ll drop off this box on his porch. But we could also leave a bag of dog shit with it as well.”

I laughed half-heartedly and turned the face the window.

Preparing myself to walk up your front porch steps for the very last time.

 

Three Weeks Sober

 

“Thanks for coming over.”

I was shaking.

“I just really needed someone here with me, I think. Just was not in a good mindset.”

An old friend whispered in my ear as I lay in his bed.

What was I doing here?

A constant stream of thoughts flowed through my head at an anxious pace.

You’re no longer the last person I’ve kissed. You would be so upset if you knew where I was. How can I possibly give myself to this person when all I want is to be with you?

I just want to be with you.

“Are you alright?” He asked curiously.

His arms wrapped around my waist and squeezed tight.

“I’m fine.”

All feeling had left my body.

My eyes stared blankly at his wall in the moonlit room.

The numbness had finally overcome me.

I wondered if you were in another girl’s bed right now.

I wondered if you felt the same numbness I was feeling.

Or if you were happier without me.

Please don’t be happier without me.

 

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